It's been a long time. I am afraid to look at the date and find out just how long ago it was that I sat down to write. Lets just call it a few critical months. Since my last entry, I have been introduced personally to the disastrous personal catastrophe that is divorce. I have heard stories of people divorcing and remaining best friends for life. That is not my story. I was trampled by adversity. I was lifted high by discovering love and support in unexpected souls. I was transported into the oceanside existence I have been dreaming of manifesting my whole life. I found I had to go there very nearly alone, leaving behind beloved friends who, by loving and believing in me made me brave enough to go pursue my dreams. One of them, Rebecca Lammerson, reminded me of the power of writing. So thank you for bringing me back to my blog, Rebecca. The details of the past few months are many, but sometimes looking at something too close up can make you lose sight of the big picture. So I will share with you just a skeleton view. Last September I went on my first yoga retreat (Thank you John Salisbury and Jenn Chiarelli) at a sanctuary that I am convinced is some powerful vortex of spiritual energy, Esalen. The whole journey to get there, the events that transpired there, and the finale of the trip home changed the way I saw the world. I will write a book about it someday. I came home with the complete understanding that my life must change for the happier, and that I needed to let go of old wounds and make more out of every moment of this lifetime. I needed to stop binding myself to the things that made me sad by constantly trying to fix them. And generally failing to fix them. The way to be happy in this lifetime is not to dwell in what isn't working, but give your attention to what is working very well- the thing that makes your heart sing to do it. That is a thing you can't fail at. It is your dharma. You will be less successful at anything else you attempt in life, so why throw your time and energy in any other direction? RA Yoga was born. That's another book. The condensed version is that I collaborated with a partner to follow my vision to create a little piece of heaven in the desert. A perfect sanctuary for the student, the yogi, the inspired, the lost, the community. I was off and running at the first go ahead to get started, and 11 weeks later we opened the doors to a reception of over 100 people. Let me remind you that although I worked at At One Yoga for the better part of a year (a very dear thank you, Ms. Lee Zinsky) I had no earthly idea how one might put together a functioning yoga studio, only what one looked like. Discovering what I was capable of there led me to believe in myself as a strong woman, able to inspire a community to come together, some one my boys can be proud of. But once we feel comfortable, there is inevitably an earthquake to remind us that we're not done growing yet. We'll call my departure from RA a personal earthquake. I grew. I picked up lots of classes teaching at Yoga Nirvana. There was a slow and steady energy there that grounded me. I spent a very precious time there spreading my wings as a teacher. I learned compassion, communication, and strength building. All the qualities of my life that I needed I was manifesting through teaching. I even developed and taught a unique and well-received workshop. My students love and visible progress made me believe in myself as a teacher. I had a pretty great cheerleader who also kept me humble too (Thanks Jim Keegan). The next earthquake was a biggie. I'm not ready to discuss the aggregate yet, but it resulted in a physical change of address. Displaced and desperate to not to focus on the 30+ years of memories I have made in every nook and cranny in Arizona, I decided that it was time to follow the lifelong, aching urge to live by the sea. There was never going to be a perfect time, my boys were excited about it, and remember… I have recently learned that fighting your bliss is a doomed endeavor before it even begins. So here I am in Carlsbad, California. My facebook says Encinitas because that is the next change I am manifesting. A slight fine tuning of the original plan. I just think Encinitas is a little more fun. (Sorry, Carlsbad, I love you too). Living in the San Diego area has further changed my view of the world. The people here are so unafraid to be individuals. There is art everywhere, in paint and sculpture as in dance and movement, gardens here are artful, even the fire hydrants are artfully rendered. Everyone seems to be in touch with what makes them passionate, so I'm constantly running into incredibly interesting people. But they all seem less connected as a whole. I've finally made it to beautiful Socal. I am practicing with Tim Miller- another dream manifestation I might add! My practice is growing nicely as evidenced by the fact that my hips (my Ganesha) have even begun to give a little and I actually enjoy back bends these days. I am learning all kinds of wondrous things I am dying to pass on to my students. And I am only at the beginning of this journey. Except I am not teaching. This I will not count as an earthquake, but a stutter. Albeit an admittedly big one. Teaching here was a much a part of my dream as studying here. Somewhere in the move I lost my mojo. Walking into Tim Miller's studio changed yoga for me. The talent, dedication, humility, and grace that flows through Tim's place kinda slaps you in the face on your way in. Probably more so if you're clumsy and egotistical when you arrive… like me. I was at once humbled, inspired, and awestruck by the sheer number of dedicated Ashtangis and by the depth of each of their personal asana practices. All of the courage and self-confidence that drove me all the way to California to practice and teach here was redirected into just showing up on my mat every day. I have always felt a sense of community with the people I practice yoga with, regardless of the style, regardless of anyone's ability, we are all peers, we are equals, we've come together to share our energy in a practice. In the presence of such a tremendous gathering of grace though, I don't feel equal. Practicing at Tim's has been an unsettling shift in the way I feel on my mat, but the dis-ease has also enriched my experience of the practice overall. I feel truly honored to be there in the midst of so many inspiring individuals. I feel that with dedication and a willingness to be led, I will be guided to a higher level of not just asana, but inner consciousness. No, these are not promises anyone has made to me. I just feel sure of it. I have been pulled to devote my heart to learning, but who taught me the most may have been the very students I taught. Helping them grow and feeling as though you've just helped them to create 90 sacred minutes of reaching for their potential and loving themselves for their efforts is a divine gift. To teach is truly a privilege. I haven't found my teaching home here yet. Maybe part of the reason I'm writing this post is to let it go out into the universe and manifest in a sign that will tell me where the right place to start is. I don't want to compete for best playlist. I want to open ears and minds and encourage souls to grow. I don't want to preach spirituality, but I do want to encourage consciousness. And while I am capable of challenging strong and flexible practitioners, I have a huge soft spot for those beautiful blank canvases who are coming to the mat for the very first time. I am currently completing (112 hours left until I am certified at the 500 hour level) what I personally consider to very the very best teacher training ever invented in the history of teacher training. Honestly. Dave and Cheryl Oliver aretrue gurus in my heart. Some day, after ytt, I will write about their amazing leadership but this particular entry has teared me up enough for one post. For now, just go learn from them whenever you can! So now you're caught up (if anyone but the crickets are still listening by now). Things are not how I expected them to be, but there are monumental reasons to be grateful all around me. If you happen to be reading this from the San Diego area and need a teacher, send me an email or give me a call (see the contact page) pretty please. If you are reading this from Phoenix, you are most likely someone I love and miss. Thanks for reading :)